Why My Midnight Library of Lives Has No Regrets but Still Has Science
- Karen Herbert
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Ever since I finished The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, I've been mentally wandering through the stacks of my own imaginary library of lost opportunities. In the book, a young woman on the brink of death finds herself in a library full of tomes to explore different lives that were possible with different choices and one by one, eliminate all her regrets.
The premise is irresistible. Somewhere between life and death sits an endless library. Every book on its shelves contains the story of a different life I could have lived if I’d made just one different choice.
In my sixth decade now, I’ve amassed my share of "what ifs." I find myself wondering about the alternate Karens living happily inside those books. Here are four possible futures that I might have lived.
1. Karen Attends Notre Dame University
My dad attended Notre Dame, graduating in 1955. He was a lifelong fan of the Fighting Irish. Growing up watching the football games, we greeted every touchdown with an enthusiastic parade in front of the television. I can’t count how many times my dad would say, “Too bad Karen can’t go to Notre Dame since it’s for men only. But there’s St. Mary’s for girls right across town.”
In the fall of 1972, Notre Dame became coeducational, admitting 365 women. With my family’s encouragement, I applied in the fall of 1975, sending in my application that included a handwritten essay. A priest called me (long distance!) to discuss my admittance. I still remember hoping to attend Notre Dame instead of my state university, but the financial aid package was less than I needed to make it affordable.
Thinking back, I can picture that Karen walking across campus, cheering at football games, collecting sweatshirts with leprechauns and shamrocks on them, and proudly introducing herself as a Fighting Irish alumna. An engineering degree from ND would certainly open industry doors.
How would this life be different? Maybe I would have changed from engineering to another science. My husband, who attended that state university, would have never crossed paths with me. Maybe, inspired by the strong Catholic faith tradition, I would have felt a call to a life of service, even a religious life.
2. Sister Karen
I grew up Roman Catholic and attended twelve years of Catholic school. In those days, most teachers were religious sisters. Daughters of Charity taught me in grade school, Ursuline sisters in high school.
The nuns I knew were, for the most part, intelligent and caring. In high school, the convent was attached to the school, and I was fascinated by the chapel and parlors. Often, I considered whether I had a vocation.
Sister Karen would no doubt be a science teacher. But I never felt that strong call to enter the religious life, though I still wonder when I see The Trouble with Angels, the 1966 movie with Haley Mills at a Catholic boarding school (so many parallels and a potential future blog post!).
I have said many times when I first saw the historic Immaculate Conception convent in Ferdinand, Indiana, that if I had visited as a teenager, that would have been a sign!
3. Karen, Doctor of Veterinary Medicine
I have loved zoo animals for as long as I can remember. Even as a senior citizen, I plan zoo visits. I don't care if I've been there before. I still get excited watching elephants splash around, penguins waddle like they own the place, or a statuesque giraffe nibbling at leaves.
Maybe that's why I sometimes wonder about the Karen who chose large animal veterinary medicine instead of chemical engineering. Did she join the Peace Corps? Did she end up at a big city zoo or switched to farm animal care?
She probably knows how to calm a nervous sheep and diagnose an ailing alpaca. She has animal hair on every piece of clothing she owns and spends her days helping creatures who can't tell her where it hurts.
4. Karen Teaching Chemistry in Australia
I've always loved to travel. I still do. If there's an historical site or a museum to visit, I'm interested. I can easily imagine the alternate version of myself who packed up after my first trip to Down Under in 2003 (read about it here) and moved her family to Australia to teach chemistry.
She probably learned to say "No worries" without sounding like an American tourist. She spent weekends exploring rainforests, snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef, and discovering every odd little roadside attraction she could find.
Knowing me, she also sought out every zoo in Australia and make a return visit to the Taronga Zoo in Sydney!
Turns Out, This Life Was Pretty Wonderful
The funny thing is, when I was younger, I sometimes worried about making the right decision. Now I don't think life works that way. As Nora Seed said after experiencing many different lives:
"You don’t have to understand life, you just have to live it.” (Matt Haig, The Midnight Library)
I've had a career that let me indulge in my love of chemistry every single day. I've traveled all over the world. I've designed chemistry-themed escape rooms because, apparently, I think solving periodic table puzzles can also be entertainment. I've volunteered in my community, written a blog that lets me celebrate the funny side of being a Karen, and I still get ridiculously excited every time someone suggests a trip to the zoo.
“It is easy to mourn the lives we aren’t living. Easy to wish we’d developed other talents, said yes to different offers. Easy to wish we’d worked harder, loved better, handled our finances more astutely, been more popular, stayed in the band, gone to Australia, said yes to the coffee or done more bloody yoga.” (Nora Seed at the beginning of the chapter “A Thing I Have Learned (Written by a Nobody who has been Everybody" by Matt Haig)
Because this life—the one filled with chemistry, travel, friendships, writing, curiosity, and an unreasonable number of zoo visits—is the one that became my story. I wouldn't trade it for any other book in the Midnight Library.
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